A small news crew is set up on the stage of the opera. It is the eve of opening night. The writer/director, Roberta, sits in front of the camera. Sam interviews her for the local news.
SAM Hello Roberta! So nice to see you today. Could you tell us a little about your opera. We hear you’re very excited for opening night.
ROBERTA Yes, the night of opening.
SAM What’s your opera about?
ROBERTA Garbage.
SAM So, a garbage opera?
ROBERTA (sighing deeply like yes bitch) A garbage opera!
SAM Could you tell us a little bit more about what that means?
ROBERTA Oh, I could.
SAM So, would you?
ROBERTA My garbage opera defies definition and transcends time, actually.
SAM Is it an opera acted out by pieces of garbage? Is it just a terrible opera? Is it an opera about garbage? Why garbage?
ROBERTA I firmly believe, Sam, that we all are garbage.
SAM Well that sounds kind of negative.
ROBERTA Only because that is what the media had led you to believe about garbage. You need to open your mind.
SAM Could you help us out with that?
ROBERTA (she begins to hum loudly) Are you getting it now?
SAM Not really.
ROBERTA Then I don’t know if there is any hope for you.
SAM There has to be some way to explain this.
ROBERTA A garbage opera is like the ocean: very deep. Probably too deep.
SAM What else is a garbage opera like?
ROBERTA Cotton candy in the womb. Several dull knives thrown repeatedly at a holiday roast. A bowl of oranges that doesn’t exist. Any prime number higher than 100.
SAM Roberta, can you please help me out here? I’m just trying to get a brief interview segment that we can show on the local news. Like, could you just say something that someone wouldn’t necessarily remember after they’ve had their morning coffee?
ROBERTA Unfortunately, everything I say is incredibly memorable.
SAM I can’t take this footage back with me. This doesn’t make any sense.
ROBERTA Life doesn’t make any sense!
SAM Like the ocean. Like a garbage opera. Okay then. Super helpful.
ROBERTA You need to reach inside of your garbage self and find the inner garbage-ness.
SAM How will that help me at all?
ROBERTA How could it not?!
SAM That didn’t answer my question.
ROBERTA That didn’t question my answer!
SAM JUST TELL ME WHAT A GARBAGE OPERA IS.
ROBERTA I think you’ve known all along. Reach within!
SAM There is nothing within! Also, if I knew the answer, I wouldn’t be interviewing you!
ROBERTA Who said you were interviewing me?
SAM Is this a garbage thing?
ROBERTA It’s all a garbage thing, when you get down to it.
SAM Down to what?
ROBERTA Garbage.
SAM You know what’s garbage? This interview.
ROBERTA (whispering) Garbage.
SAM Okay. I’m leaving. Thank you so much for all of your zero help.
ROBERTA If you leave now, you’ll regret it.
SAM I think I’ll be okay.
ROBERTA That’s what we all think. But it’s never true. Because we are all garbage. And garbage is never okay.
Sam sighs, then motions to the crew to turn off the camera.
SAM If you don’t like the cameras or something, we can do this off the record. I’m trying here.
ROBERTA I don’t think you’ll ever be able to understand garbage.
SAM (whispering, leaning forward) Please. Please help me understand garbage. I’ve never wanted anything more.
Roberta grabs at Sam’s face and begins to chant.
ROBERTA GARBAGE. GARBAGE. GARBAGE.
SAM Oh my god.
ROBERTA Do you…?
SAM I think I…
ROBERTA Turn your cameras back on. It’s time for a garbage opera.
Emma "the wren" Wren 