Amelia French, human extraordinaire
DEDICATION: A MONOLOGUE FOR AMELIA FRENCH, WHO, TO MY KNOWLEDGE HAS NEVER COMMITTED MURDER. MAY HER JUICE ALWAYS BE COLD PRESSED. AMEN.
Amelia is doing it. She’s doing it all. I’m so proud. Also, she’s on stage, there is a body next to her. It’s so dead.
AMELIA
So anyway, there I was, digging the grave, and I realized, why did I just murder my friend?
Like why was that I thing that I did? I’m going to assume that YOU don’t have the answer, so I’ll just wonder about it aloud.
Very loudly
HMMMMMMMMMM.
AHHH YESSSSS, HMMMMMM.
PERHAPS!!
Normalish
Anyway. ANYWAY.——- So there I am, at the dog coronation. Did you know dogs can get coronated? It’s a lot less work than human coronations, I’ll tell you that much, but still, I think it’s worth it. So the dog gets coronated, oh my gosh, I’m sorry, did I say God? Just kidding. I know that I didn’t say God. But now you’re like, did she? But I didn’t. I’m really sorry about the confusion. BACK TO THE CORONATION DOG MURDER CHEESECAKE—- oh I haven’t mentioned the cheesecake
So dramatic it hurts to watch
(maybe do something with your arms, oh yeah, just like that)
THERE WAS A CHEESECAKE
Normalish
And I know it might not seem relevant, but the night previous to the dog coronation I had had a dream about cheesecake. I hate that. Having to say “had had.” Like, “had” twice? No thanks! —-But I dreamed of cheesecake. it was so fluffy and dense I ached.
I can’t say it wasn’t sexual. I’m not ashamed. Well, I am, but I’m not about to profess that. So the dog gets coronated and there’s a cheesecake. And I’m there with my friend. This dead body here. I feel weird calling him by his name now that he’s, y’know, deceased as fuck, but here we are. In the graveyard. Here we are.
Dramammamamamamamamamaa
(to the body friend dead man)
I’m really sorry. This was mostly not pre meditated. I’ll take care of your daughter.
Back to us.
I probably won’t take care of his daughter. But it felt like the right thing to say.
So, dead friend here took the last slice of cheesecake. And he just ate it so fast. I don’t think he even savored it. And that’s a sin. But I didn’t kill him because he sinned, I killed him because he took the last slice of cheesecake and also I forgot that the toy gun I carry with me is NOT A TOY and is ALWAYS LOADED. I like to live on the edge, I guess. I’m hoping to fall off.
A pause. Oh yeah.
Now he’s dead. Gunshot to the trachea. Or I’m pretty sure that’s where the trachea is. I didn’t go to med school or high school. I feel bad about it though. Right? Yeah. I definitely do feel bad about it. “Remorse” right? I guess what I’m trying to say is, it was a sort of accident and I don’t want this to be like “that thing that I did.” This is no more important than the time I got third in the spelling bee in eighth grade. I’m still a person, or whatever I was before this. I’m still that. Don’t give up on me. Don’t even look at me differently.
She looks at Deceased As Fuck.
Wrong place, wrong time, wrong about the gun being a toy. But I’m going to be okay. I mean, I always am. Yeah. I always am, He’s so dead.
She sits down on the ground for a second. She stands up.
And now he’s dead. And his daughter has no father. and that dog is a fucking king! Pretty crazy how dogs can be kings. Also murder. That’s crazy too……. As soon as I finish burying him I’m going to get some cheesecake though.
Another pause. The last pause.
I feel like I deserve it.
Emma "the wren" Wren 