Marlene Smithson is a local beekeeper. In her spare time she likes to trick pedestrians into believing that she only has one leg. Her favorite snack is possum feces with fresh rosemary. You can find her in select caves during the nighttime hours or on twitter at @sadbearcubsgonewild.
Lawrence Doyle is so grateful that you took the time to read his article; English is his 34th language, please bear with him.
Albert Tucker is a full-time homeless man. He likes having food, having a place to sleep, and strangling stray dogs with his bear hands (the hands of a bear that he strangled to death with his bare hands). His signature has never been seen, as he cannot purchase/manage anything due to his homelessness. He would appreciate some sustenance, probably.
James Crack likes sandwiches (only if they have been cut into quarters), having consensual sex with wimmyn (a rare breed of cognizant frog), and going to the bathroom when he feels the urge to do that sort of thing. He can’t be found; we’ve tried.
Erin Doringer doesn’t believe in talking, so most of this information is guess work. She only interacts with her pet Pekingese, Rochester Von Helzack XII. She frequents the local elementary school’s parking lot in the dead of night and appreciates a well-crafted cupcake!
Thomas Doop just died. He always hated tortoises.
Abigail Liagiba only wears traditional Native American headdresses and writes exclusively about toasters that were designed before 1973 (but not necessarily made before 1973). She loves to paint houses that she does not own and after every few incidents spend the night in jail. She can be found in the cemetery or at least her left foot can (she buried it there after it fell off when she was 14).
Edna Jones loves the entire works of Sylvia Plath and tentatively sticking her head in her toaster but just as “a joke you guys come on I wouldn’t do that.”
Tanya Jay was raised in a remote village where the only currency was sand. She loves the beach. She can be found heckling her reflection in the bathrooms of local bars.
Rick “that meatloaf” Carlson is a novice wine maker. He plays the flute, but only for even numbered audiences. He makes a mean mac and cheese. His mac and cheese will murder you post-ingestion.
Darla Fwong can’t stand your shit anymore, Marcus.
Ellen Young once touched a zebra’s penis at a petting zoo as a child and she really can’t deal with anything else. Her hobbies include crying.
Leon Ross is a pottery fanatic; he specializes in cremation urns for (formerly(?)) redheaded people. His favorites memories of childhood all took place in an abandoned Gap Body. When he’s not crafting urns, he likes to have long conversations with telemarketers about loneliness and his relentless search for the perfect taco.
Emma "the wren" Wren 